Sunday, May 28, 2006

Who Am I?

I've been in a bit of a funk lately. I think it's mostly because I've graduated and have yet to find a full-time job, so I'm wondering what the hell I'll be doing with the rest of my life.

When I started out in graduate school, I knew I wanted to teach. Well, I still want to teach, but finding a full-time teaching job at a community college seems to be more difficult than winning the lottery. There are jobs out there, I just don't have enough experience to even get an interview.

It's really frustrating. I wouldn't mind the whole teaching-part-time-to-get-experience bit, but it's pretty much impossible to support myself on a part-time salary. And did I mention, no benefits? Oh, and many teachers do this for 4 or more years before getting a full-time teaching job. So I find myself wondering, "Why did I want to do this again?"

I thought about teaching high school, but besides the fact that I worry I can't handle the unruly kids, I can't afford to teach high school, because of my school loans. Not to mention I don't have a credential.

But if I don't teach, then what do I do? I feel like there's nothing out there calling to me as a career. I just feel like I'm wandering without a destination.

And all this mess has carried over to other aspects of my life. It's feeding all my other insecurities and bringing them to the surface. I am constantly second-guessing myself. The second-guessing bit isn't always a bad thing, but it's different somehow lately. I'm back to dealing with my biggest hang-ups. It's really driving me crazy. I tell myself to get over it, but somehow that just makes it worse:S

Don't get me wrong. I know there are many people out there with far worse problems to deal with. I've been extremely lucky in my life and I am very thankful for it. I just have been feeling...blah lately. I think I need to dig out that Choices book I posted about a while ago. If I'm choosing to feel this way, something has got to change!

If you've made it this far, sorry for being a downer, but thanks for "listening." I'll try to post something more upbeat in a bit...


Kelley said...

I dont mind listening!! I've felt the exact same way before. I think we all have. I had a semi-nervous break down (not really but it felt like it) about a week ago. Once one thing bothers you, you start to think about everything think that bothers you or has gone wrong. I just cried for about an hour and couldnt really say exactly why I was crying. My hubby probably thought I was crazy, but I really needed it. I hope you feel better soon. I have a friend who went to school and graduated but is having a hell of a time finding a job as well. She would have to take a pay cut to work in the field she went to school for. It is frustrating for her as well.

Stacy~ said...

Oh, don't apologize Michelle. I believe we all go through these moments, maybe it's to appreciate what we do have, but we shouldn't feel guilty about it (yeah but do you think I'll pay attention to that when I'm in a down mood? LOL)

I really hope you find something - it's so important to have teachers who really want to teach. Paying your dues shouldn't have to be so hard, and you should certainly be able to survive on what you make instead of having to have several jobs to support yourself.

I second-guess myself too. Right now I'm in the middle of a work situation - I'm not happy at the office I'm currently at and regret not going back to my old office when I had the chance. But the dilemma is do I make several people miserable or just myself? Believe me, I know what I want to do, but drat, I have a bit of a conscience after all....

Michelle B said...

Thanks Kelley! I've done exactly what you described myself. Crying really helps a lot of times. I think part of my problem now is that I'm usually so prepared. Last time I graduated with my BS, I had my job lined up in February and I graduated in June. So now I just feel unprepared. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone. It's always good to be reminded of things like that:)

Michelle B said...

Thanks Stacy! I do the same thing: you're fine until the mood hits and then you can't remember all the great stuff you tell yourself when you're not in the funk!

And I'm starting to think that the whole "paying dues" difficulty may be why we *don't* have more good math teachers! If people who are good at math can make more money and get a job easier elsewhere, then that's what most will do! I'm going to stick with it, at least for a while, thanks to my parents. They're the best! I just hate feeling like I'm a burden.

I hope things turn out well with your work situation, Stacy! I have felt exactly that way myself. I know it feels selfish, but it's true that if you don't look out for your own interests, then no one else generally will.